I recently saw another blogger’s series on vulnerability. (Shoutout to Weslie’s DoubleYouDot challenge series.) After I finished reading her posts my first thought was: how could someone share that depth of themselves on the internet. In a world of perfectly curated flat-lays (perfectly lit and laid out on marble, of course), it’s hard to fathom actually putting it all out there. I have a hard enough time when I’m told that I accidentally misspelled something on a brochure that I’ve already printed about 25 times.
But, hey, I decided that if this blog is for anything – it’s for honesty. Sharing your journey. Seeing how other people live their lives, good and bad. And hopefully a reader can find value or feel less alone with this kind of oversharing.
I’m feeling directionless, frustrated, and a little out of control.
The blog’s hiatus is an indication of that. There are so many things that I want to do. I have started and given up tons of projects because I don’t have a specific roadmap on how to do them.
I went a weird route with my life. Not only did I get married young (at age 22), but I uprooted my life and moved to an ultra-rural area so my husband could help his father start a brewery. Remote work has been a godsend, and I’m SO enjoying the work that I’m doing, but it’s difficult to do that whole ‘upward career mobility’ thing when you have only a few precious years of industry experience. And, even if I wanted to transition out of freelance work, there are very few options for me here.
And, to make things even more confusing, the start-up my husband is working at is definitely in its early growth stage. (AKA: very little pay.) Because of this situation, we were able to construct an apartment to live in onsite, which has been a huge blessing. But I’m beginning to feel pressure (internally and externally) to move forward (“adulting,” if you will). The goal is to find a larger place to live (perhaps with a bathroom inside the actual house or a real kitchen) for our own. The thing is… I don’t know how to go about this. Obviously things have to change. The question is: what things?
I don’t regret any of these life decisions I’ve made. Honestly. I’d much rather be stimulated and struggling than comfortable and bored. I read an essay a while back and something stuck out to me: “I’m wary of losing the sense of urgency necessary to induce growth.” I am a person with a distinct “comfort zone” and I have (CLICHE ALERT!) always found that you get more fulfillment after doing something that makes you feel scared vs. something you’ve always done.
Today I was listening to a podcast by Jess Lively (Anger & Loneliness in a Place of Zen), and she was talking about how she attempts to “spiritually bypass” the emotion of anger. Not let it play out, because being angry was uncomfortable to her. But, as she talked about, it’s a useful stepping stone to getting to a place of higher, more positive energy. There’s a fear of the unknown – and everyone has it, anything from career to relationships. Hell, the most put-together person I know just finished up graduate school and she’s still stressed about the future.
So this is me not bypassing my frustration. I’m embracing it. Because if I didn’t feel this frustration, then there wouldn’t be any drive to make chances necessary to make positive changes in my life (i.e. the sense of urgency necessary to induce growth). Human life is dynamic, always-changing. We don’t feel the same way at age 10, 15, 25, 35, and onward. A stagnant life would be boring. Probably depressingly boring. And the good comes with the bad, right?